I’m sitting in the summer house on the old rocking chair. Well, a glorified shed, overlooking the pond with fixed shelf style seating covered in cotton gingham cushions, then bits of things for the garden, like string and old worn, protective gloves.
Grandad has just fed the fish. Saddle the biggest Koi Karp is 17 years old! You outgrew him at the grand age of 21 when you passed in my arms.
And just now the robin joined us now perched on the rope fence that protects the pond. He came in the afternoon before you went away, as you laid on your blanket on the grass in the sunshine. But then Angel ‘your fluffy best friend’ chased him away. Naughty girl. I think the same robin that came to my bedroom and pooped on the wall, below the cherub playing the violin, above my bed. He’s not been there since. Then I suppose once is enough for such manners.
The birds were singing almost in chorus, sweet sound aligned. Nice, new, fresh for Spring. Our favourite season. Grass slightly damp but you were warm, cosy, all tucked in. Nature came for you in her magnificence. Do you remember that huge worm that crept beside you? You know Mummy loves all nature but I’ve yet to pick one up. They look so slimy. Perhaps this year it’s something I should overcome?
I remember my friend from school, ‘Sarah’ loved a song about worms. I’m sorry I’m not sure who the original author is.
Nobody likes me,
Everybody hates me,
Guess I’ll go eat worms,
Long, thin, slimy ones,
Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.
Down goes the first one,
Down goes the second one,
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm.
Up comes the first one,
Up comes the second one,
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm.
Apparently, Sarah’s living in Canada now. Has eight children and breeds Guinea Pigs. Ever eccentric. How fabulous. Some things never change.
Funny how when we sit still, so many memories flood back to haunt or remind us. The last day we spent together were just ours. I lay next to you in the garden under our big, purple fleecy blanket. All in all, we had four layers around us. I wanted to be sure you were warm. I massaged your paws – rubbed your back. It was as though you were a baby, helpless all nestled in. Relying and trusting me to take care of you. I could not have left for a second. You always had happy sighs/gentle groans when I loved and embraced you.
A part of me thought you’d get better – we took each moment at a time. I did not forebode, anticipate or have any expectations. I just knew we had to be close. You were such a good boy.
Not once did you whimper – not until the end and not for long. I blew on your face and our eyes never stopped staring at one another. It was hard smiling at you as you said goodbye at 11.11 pm on the 2nd of March 2017. I didn’t want you to go either.
Me and Nanny heard you yesterday morning. Angel looked to see where you were? I knew you’d not go far. But don’t wait. Go play with your friends. As long as you are happy. It’s all that matters. I sense you in music. Something we both shared. In the car – at home – in-fact, everywhere. All these places you will be missed. I can no longer stroke you but I can send you my heart to always keep. I will never stop loving you. I will keep writing – I promise.
Thank You for Everything – Mummy. X